As a parent, there are countless moments when I’ve felt like I wasn’t doing enough. Times when I lost my patience, stayed late at work instead of spending time with my kids, or made choices that, in hindsight, weren’t the best. But what happens when it’s your children who seem determined to remind you of those mistakes? Maybe they’ve said it outright—blaming you for their struggles. Maybe they’ve spelled out exactly what you did wrong. Or maybe it’s their silence, their distance, that says it all.

Either way, the message feels the same: you failed them.

But did you really? If you’re reading this, chances are you cared deeply, tried your best, and never set out to hurt your kids. And maybe what you need most right now is to keep these eight reminders in mind:

1. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.

As the saying goes, “You don’t know what you don’t know.”

Therefore, if you lie awake judging yourself for the mistakes of your past, especially if your adult child likes to keep them fresh in your memory, keep this in mind: you were operating with the knowledge, resources, and emotional capacity you had in that moment. We judge our past selves with today’s wisdom, forgetting that parenting advice has done a complete 180 over the decades.

The same “experts” who used to insist babies sleep on their stomachs now tell us the opposite. Parents were told not to spoil children with too much affection, then later advised that connection was everything. As I grew up, it was standard procedure to be smacked into compliance, which now seems like an insane way to teach a child to manage their emotions and behavior.

You made decisions according to what felt right at the time, often while juggling work stress, financial pressure, social norms, and your own unhealed wounds from childhood. That exhausted parent doing their best deserves compassion, not criticism.

2. Their criticism might be their way of processing their own struggles.

When grown children hold their parents responsible for everything going wrong in their lives, it can sometimes be a way of avoiding the tougher task—taking ownership of their own healing and growth. It’s often easier to look back and assign blame than to look ahead and ask, “What can I do differently now?”

That doesn’t mean their emotions aren’t real or justified—our childhood experiences undeniably shape who we become. But when someone stays trapped in a cycle of resentment, replaying old wounds without seeking resolution, blame can become a shield against self-reflection.

For instance, an adult who insists every failed relationship stems from their parents’ divorce may be sidestepping the need to examine their own choices and behavior. Because, realistically, how possible is it that they hold no influence over what happens in their relationships?

It’s definitely worth keeping in mind that sometimes the harshest critics are those struggling most with accepting their own imperfections and adult responsibilities.

3. Every generation judges the one before (and it’s normal).

Your mother and father probably did things you swore you’d never do with your own children. I know mine did. Now your children are doing the same thing to you, and someday their children will judge their parenting choices. This pattern has repeated throughout history—each generation thinks they’re improving on the last one’s mistakes.

This criticism, despite being painful, actually represents healthy separation and individuation. It’s common for young adults to go through a phase where they need to find fault with their parents—it’s part of establishing their own identity. Pointing to the mistakes of the previous generation can feel easier than accepting the full weight of adult responsibilities. Interestingly, the same child who once criticized your parenting may one day defend it passionately when their own children question their choices. With time and life experience, especially after becoming parents themselves, those harsh judgments tend to soften and give way to understanding.

4. Parenting “mistakes” often teach resilience and problem-solving.

Certain experiences do leave lasting wounds that need healing—divorce can create trust issues, financial stress can breed anxiety, and conflict can affect how someone handles relationships.

However, apart from all the “negative” traits that can stem from these experiences, there will also be some valuable lessons. The times you must work late may have taught them independence and creativity as they had to learn to amuse themselves. If money troubles were an issue, they may have discovered resourcefulness and the value of working for things. The one who witnessed their parent struggle with life and pick themselves back up learned that failure isn’t permanent.

What truly counts is how you responded after the mistakes—how you offered love during tough times and demonstrated resilience in the face of setbacks. No childhood is flawless, and kids who never encounter difficulties may actually struggle more later when life presents challenges that can’t be softened or shielded.

5. Your relationship with them now matters more than past mistakes.

Some parents are so consumed with past guilt that they miss chances to build something better in the present moment. Of course, at times it’s hard not to dwell on these “failures” if your adult child keeps bringing them up.

You are impossible to change the past. The key thing to do now is to move forward and concentrate on your relationship as it is today.

This means learning when to acknowledge their feelings without drowning in endless apologies. You might say, “I hear that you were hurt by that, and I’m sorry” without launching into a detailed defense or repeatedly rehashing the same old wounds. If they continue bringing up past grievances to hurt or manipulate you, it’s okay to set boundaries: “We’ve talked about this before. I’ve acknowledged my mistakes, but I won’t keep going over the past.”

Concentrate on showing up consistently now—call when you say you will, listen without immediately offering solutions, and engage with who they are today rather than who you remember them being at fifteen. Often, the best repair work happens through small, consistent actions rather than grand gestures or dramatic conversations about the past.

6. Their current struggles are not a direct reflection of your parenting.

The truth is this: two children can grow up in the same home, with the same parents, and end up on entirely different paths. One may flourish while the other struggles with addiction, depression, or makes choices that leave you bewildered. This doesn’t mean you loved one more than the other, or that you succeeded with one child and failed with the other.

While childhood experiences certainly influence development, assuming you weren’t abusive, many other factors shape who they become—along with the essential element of personal choice.

Mental health challenges, learning differences, neurodivergence, personality traits, and even birth order all play significant roles. A highly sensitive child might be deeply affected by things their sibling brushes off, while a more impulsive child may simply be predisposed to risk-taking.

You undoubtedly shaped them in meaningful ways, but as adults with their own thoughts and agency, they also bear responsibility for the lives they create.

7. They needed you to be human, not perfect.

Social media has fostered a culture of parents who feel they must be flawless—but children actually benefit from seeing their parents struggle, make mistakes, and learn as they go.

For instance, if you lost your temper and then apologized, you demonstrated how to handle anger poorly—and then repair it. If you cried during a divorce, you showed that strong emotions are normal, and that adults don’t have all the answers.

The drive to be “perfect” as a parent often produces anxious, perfectionist children who fear failure. Your own humanity, including your imperfections, teaches them that it’s okay to be imperfect too.

8. Love matters more than getting everything “right.”

Research consistently shows that children who feel genuinely loved and valued tend to thrive, no matter the exact parenting style. A parent who may have disciplined incorrectly but offered consistent affection often raises more secure adults than someone who was technically “perfect” but emotionally distant.

You might have been too strict or too lenient, overly involved or distant—but if your children felt they mattered to you, if they felt your love even in moments of disappointment, that connection matters far more than flawless parenting.

Love doesn’t promise smooth adult relationships or problem-free lives, but it creates a foundation of security that helps children navigate life’s inevitable challenges.